There are very few people who really know me. Sure, I have a big large group of acquaintances and a handful of close friends but lately when I look at most of them I can't relate at all.
I dream in 3rd person. I detach myself completely and hover in a depersonalized state. I've been told this is kind of odd. It goes by like a movie and I see myself interacting with the other characters. This "I", whomever she is, is simply a passive observer. This is often how I feel on a day-to-day basis as well.
Everything is very ethereal and ambiguous. I'm drowning in nostalgia and my own perverse never-ending fantasy world.
The pain killers I'm currently prescribed certainly aren't helping.
I find myself to be a far away person with whom this passive observer has no connection and no means of contacting. She is out there somewhere, but currently out of range.
I just want to feel something right now, to snap myself back into, well, "myself". The mindfog is getting to the point where when prompted to speak in conversations through a question asked of me, or a silence from the other party,
I struggle to be able to find words to string together a sentence. I understand what they're saying to me, but I can't articulate myself. I'm forgetting how to spell simple words or I spend minutes looking at words and I can't seem to associate a meaning to them. Even writing this simple post took several hours to complete and I still don't feel that I have conveyed what I mean.
The only things that I can really think of to snap me out of this are self-destuctive.
I think that I used to burn a lot more brightly when I was slightly less emotionally stable. At times I certainly miss the dramatic intrigue of it all.
Maybe I want to be a bit reckless, it certainly would make for a much more interesting plot than what is currently playing out in this motion picture.
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